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I am a writer, writing my life as it happens. My mode of writing is this blog. It is real life, written as it happens. When you write, this is called transparency – in other words you aren’t hiding behind a shield of made up bull, pretending life is all perfect, or exaggerating how bad it is – you just write it as it happens. Bloggers must walk a fine line when it comes to documenting reality, because it isn’t just your life you are putting out there. Every day has meaning, every day I have interactions with family members and friends. These interactions are what shape me, they are the highs and lows that find their way onto these pages. I try my best to remember to use code names so that I am not exposing my subjects to the scrutiny of the general public. I think I do a pretty good job. However, when you write about your personal life, those who are involved can decode your writing and see clearly when they are your chosen material. One blogger that inspires me is writing about how she was a closet alcoholic – the perfect mom and wife on the outside, dieng to get that first drink of the day on the inside. She is living out her acknowledgement of her alcoholism, and her daily battle to fight the disease, at http://theextraordinaryordinary.blogspot.com/.  I hope I can tell my story with the openness and dignity with which she is telling hers.
This week has been full of ups and downs. The ups have been helping my son buy his first truck, and enjoying having him become more involved with school and with me. Another exciting plus was a good visit with my daughter’s GI surgeon, and finding out that it is a go to have the final surgery to get rid of her ileostomy. The downs are the continued weirdness of a relationship that is no more, but has the main characters continuing to co-habitate. It is hard to try and maintain a daily routine, when my mind is all a jumble. It is also hard to keep an even keel with my attitude, when everyone is angry and resentful, as much as we all try and fake it to get by. I find that every day the thin veneer I have coated myself in is growing thinner, and it is harder to not be angry at nothing.
In between the ups and downs are the just plain “awkwards.” Last weekend, I took Troll Baby to see her aunties and cousins at her cousins first birthday party. Her dad had other plans and was unable to attend. Half the people at the party (who are all family of Troll Baby’s dad) have no idea that we are no longer together. To avoid awkwardness, the aunts and I just pretended. The people I hadn’t met, they introduced me to as his girlfriend. I guess that is better than be introduced as “B’s” Baby Mama. When people asked why he didn’t come, I just bit my tongue and mumbled an excuse. I was glad I went, Troll Baby had fun and so did my seven year old, and Troll Baby’s aunties made me feel like I am still family. And yet, it was awkward.
This weekend, Troll Baby’s dad is recovering from a voluntary procedure. This leaves me in the role of caregiver, and as a friend I am happy to do it. Yet, it sets my teeth on edge. Why do it now, weeks before you move out? Just so you have someone to take care of you? Then I think, “Are you retarded Michelle? Of course he wouldn’t think like that, he’s a guy, he just didn’t think.” So for the past two weekends, he has gone off to enjoy himself, and this weekend I get to take care of him, and next weekend is Valentine’s and I am just trying desperately to think of somewhere to take the little kids so I can pretend I am not a single mom whose life currently sucks.
So next Sunday, weather willing, I think I will find a beach. Not sure what beach, just a beach where a single mom can go and hear her kids laughter, hoping it drowns out the sound of failure that rings in her head. If I get lucky, maybe those beautiful children will heal a little piece of my heart while they are at it.
I started this post on the tenth of January. I have struggled with whether I should write about this path my life is taking. I don’t want to hurt anyone in my family, I don’t want to hurt the father of my child. However, to quote someone near and still dear to me, “It is what it is.”
I started off 2010 newly single. It’s not a good thing, it’s not a bad thing. It is what it is. Being a writer, my blog is my voice, my go-to for venting. I try not to talk about it too much in a really personal way, because I am still figuring it all out, analyzing, projecting, planning and regretting, all at once. I write because other families, other moms and dads, they are going through, or have gone though, the same pain being experienced by my family. Maybe what I write, besides being some sort of self-therapy, will help other people experiencing the same type of challenges we are facing.
February 13, 2008 I found out I was pregnant with Troll Baby. That news kinda killed Valentine’s Day that year, her father and I being in a state of shock. She wasn’t supposed to be possible, and at first I think we were both in a state of denial. However, we did our best to build a family over the next couple of years. In the end though, all the love in the world for Troll Baby wasn’t enough to make us a family. This Valentine’s, I will again be saying, “WTF… What do I do now?”
We already are asking those questions, all that fun stuff like visitation and money. I hate it. There are some things I won’t compromise on, that people don’t understand. I won’t force my baby to wean herself before she is ready. To be fair, I am encouraging her, trying to get her to take her cup more, trying to get her used to the alternative. That being said, I will not force her to give up the comfort of nursing, especially with all the disruption coming her way at such a tender age.
March 1st I will be living alone, once again just my children and myself. I feel like we are losing so much, there was potential that I just let slip away. Hopefully I have learned something, hopefully I will be good at the single mommy thing. I am lucky, Troll Baby’s dad loves her so much, he is trying to do the right thing to make sure she is taken care of. I may be losing a man, but I gained a beautiful daughter, I met a couple of wonderful women who I consider sisters and my daughter has a wonderful extended family. Her dad is not the bad guy, and I am trying hard to stay busy, stay positive, but as he moves on I am finding it more difficult to be happy for him.
The day he leaves will be both painful and a relief. Painful because I failed my daughter, I failed to provide her father with the love he was looking for. It will be painful to finally have that reality of loss slap me in the face; some days I go about my day, shopping and cooking and almost ignoring the fact that I am not in a relationship anymore. Then the weekend comes, and I am alone, and I remember. March 1st will be like the beginning of a never ending weekend. When he leaves, there will be some sense of relief. It will be easier to be happy without the constant reminder of loss and failure. It will be easier to be sad, I can let down the walls and cry whenever I want.
So, as I enter this new again journey of single parenthood, I hope the people I love forgive me for writing. If you can’t, I understand. I hope if it hurts to much, you choose not to read rather than let my writing come between us.
It’s funny really. Moms are tough. I mean, think about it… We go through ten months of gestation, experiencing leg cramps, sleepless nights, incessant peeing, hemorrhoids, varicose veins, barfing, heartburn, constipation, searing pain in our sides from our uterus expanding, an awkward sense of balance and countless other untold physical discomforts just to squeeze something the size of a large grapefruit out of a hole the size of a nickel (or in my case, an incision about the length of a dollar bill). We handle all this with a minimum of bitching and whining… it’s all worth it for the end result, the golden ticket, the warm, soft, cuddly bundle of love.
And then, you get a cold. You know the one… Your sinuses are so full of pressure that it feels as if your eyeballs are going to be pushed right out of your sockets, yet your nose is running so fast you have to sleep with a tissue on the pillow under your nose to catch the constant drip. During the day, it takes every ounce of energy you can summon to get any work accomplished, let alone keep up a stream of interactive and enthusiastic parenting with the aforementioned bundle of love. This is especially true when the bundle of love is 17 months old and is a non-stop bundle of toddler energy! This week, I am getting a real reminder of what it’s like to do this sick thing as a single mom. See, Troll Babys dad and I are no longer in a relationship, just platonic co-habitation until he gets a place, and co-parenting for life. Yesterday, he was out of town, so Troll Baby and I were on our own. It’s difficult to feel like you are really doing a good job parenting when you can barely drag your ass off the couch. Luckily, Troll Baby is a good sport, and finds it to be a lot of fun using me as her helpless victim.
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 I Cry Over Spilled Milk It never fails. As much as I ride the kids about not eating when they use the computer, invariably I am the one who gets bit in the as when I ignores my own rules. Today, in a desperate effort to remain productive while feeding Troll Baby, I decided to have her sit with me on the couch while I fed her breakfast. I guess she was a bit angry at my divided attention, so she sent the bowl of cheerios flying, right onto my new net book that was sitting on the ottoman. Shit. I Quickly turned the net book upside down in a kind of pup tent configuration, and turned to deal with the Troll. Timeout. While she sat in her timeout spot, wailing in true Troll fashion, I attempted the clean the keyboard. As you can see, aside from a tendency to be a bit… sluggish, my keys are working fine. Umm, I still have issues with “D” so forgive me if I refer to someone as a dipshit an it comes out as an ipshit.
Later, I decided to download some trial software, and ended up with a nifty little virus that disguised itself as part of Windows Security Center. By the time I clicked on it and saw the words “Trial Version,” I knew it was too late. A wonderful little nasty called Malware Defender had invaded my computer. A rogue anti-spyware application, it prevented access the internet, so I couldn’t even download my software of choice, Malwarebytes’ Anti-Malware. Luckily, I was able to log on to our other computer, and download it onto a USB drive, then install it on the net book. Bleh. What a pain in the ass. I despise you hacker people who have nothing better to do than ruin the days of moms like me.
 Special Kisses for Mom There are many sites on the internet where you can turn to find advice on family and parenting. These Family Articles cover all aspects of home and family life and are easy to use, offering a wide variety of information. Writers from varied backgrounds provide well written articles on topics such as discipline, family crafts and time saving tips. Quickly find new ways to stay involved with your family and fresh ideas for quality family time. New content is added daily, and the site offers advanced search functions, an RSS feed, and Twitter and Facebook connections. With today’s busy schedules, being able to have expert family advice a click away is priceless.
 Luckily The Receipt Was Shorter Than the Baby
Today, I did not tell my first born son that I would not move to Hawaii to live near him if he got married and lived there someday. No, not me, wouldn’t do that in a heartbeat, I would never be that spiteful with one one my children. I absolutely did not carry a huge chip of anger on my shoulder, and bark at him all day, finding fault when there wasn’t any to be found, making things worse.
I did not forget to set my alarm correctly for this morning, thereby causing my second born son to be running late and barely have 10 minutes to scavenge breakfast in the cafeteria. I am always far more organized than that. I also did not tell troll baby that the boobies were “all gone,” just to have her kiss me and say, “eeese” (please) because it’s so darned cute and I needed the pick-me up. I would never, ever have such a such a snarky impulse with an almost 17 month old. I am far too mature for that!
I am sure there are no more “not me” moments that I didn’t do today, but I am too pooped to spill all the beans. I did see that about 280 other mom’s over at McMama’s blog had some “not Me” moments, so head on over and see what they weren’t up to today.
Today is my kind of day. Troll Baby and I slept in, the boys played quietly and cooperatively when they woke up (quite an accomplishment for a 17 yr old and a 7 yr old, lol), we had coffee and cinnamon rolls with orange icing.
I have been browsing Craigslist, making my plan of attack for the new year. There are quite a few job possibilities in our area,and I plan to just throw myself out there at everything, lol. However, there are also many, many people in my line of work, graphic design, who are competing for those jobs. I also have 3 years done towards my Liberal Studies major. This will let me apply for tutoring positions. Maybe between everything I apply for, I can get enough part time gigs to make the bills. I have plans for a couple online sites, hoping that will fill in the gaps and pad the budget towards the green a little.
Well, I am off to apply to freelance writing site Suite 101. This fits into my goals for 2010, to write every day. I write for Examiner.com, Ezine Articles, Associated Content, Constant Content, Textbroker, my own blogs and now hopefully Suite 101. As individual writing projects goes, these each are just in their beginning stages, their purpose to build my portfolio, my skills and generate an audience for my writing. I have been neglectful lately, too distracted to write with consistency. However, I plan to treat writing like an actual job, apply myself for six hours a day. Thank heavens I invested in my netbook, it allows me to type even with a Troll Baby clambering all over my lap.
I wish the best to you as you pursue your goals this coming year. As for me, Troll Baby is reading me “Goodnight Moon”, then I am off to put her down for a nap.
 Image by Will Lion via Flickr
When you look ahead to the new year, what do you see? For many of us, we are currently in a state of financial uncertainty, emotional duress and an all around feeling of blah. I think there are few who can deny that 2009 has ended on a sour note in at least some aspect. Whether personal, national or global, one hasn’t had to look far to see what we perceive to be fear and failure. I find myself guilty of this myopic view of life as well. I have allowed myself to focus on all the negative, when I should have been counting my blessings.
I am entering 2010 full of emotions. I am thankful that I have a family to love and care for, that does the same for me and instills me with a sense of purpose. I have talent and experience in my field of choice, and I simply need to focus on using my skills. I have many ideas to build on that will provide for my family. Although I am experiencing a relationship shift, I am not alone and the parting is not filled with anger, but with purpose and hope. I have a roof over my head, and a reliable vehicle to drive. Despite facing many challenges, my children have a great future ahead of them.
My emotions going into the new year include fear, anxiety and hope and love for my family. I want these emotions to be a call to action which results in changes in both my personal and business endeavors.
- Early to bed and early to rise… This may be an old saying, but it is one that I believe will benefit me greatly. No more staying up ’til all hours of the night, and then wasting the day away. Troll Baby needs a schedule and so do I.
- Write everyday. Write for myself, write for business… No excuses, just write.
- Make a life plan. Make a business plan. Act based on these plans.
- Love my children, even when it means I must anger or disappoint them. I know that emotions of guilt and a fear of confrontation have created a negative approach to how I parent. I know this won’t change overnight, but I must endeavor each day to recognize when I am not parenting as I should.
- Make time each day for family, and not hide under the guise of the “working mom” excuse.
- Clean house. Everyday, instead of letting it pile up and overwhelm me. (It would really be nice if their were laundry fairies though… I’m just sayin’.
- Cook more, drive thru less.
- Get out and talk to adults once in a while. It would help to interact with my target audience and client base, instead of just the lessons of Yo Gabba Gabba and Wow Wow Wubzie.
I hope you also enter the new year full of emotion, realizing that this isn’t a sign of weakness, but rather an opportunity for a better tomorrow.
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