DoozieLife

Well, it’s time to out why I haven’t been able to blog.  It is hard as a “mommy-blogger.”  What makes you interesting, what draws people into your life, is not always funny, sarcastic, or entertaining.  Sometimes it is painful, makes you look like an ass or at the very least, a complete idiot.  Yet, despite the fact that I have decided to share my life openly on my blog, it’s hard to do when you know your family is part of this, your family and friends read what you write, and you are often judged by the context of the words on the page.  DoozieDad and I have decided to go our separate ways, at least until we get life figured out a little better.  I was originally going to title this “The Perfect Breakup” but there is no perfect breakup.  There are however, breakups that are less painful than they are hopeful, and that is what this is.

Here is a quote by Dooziedad, posted on his Facebook wall the day after we reached our conclusion about where we are emotionally and in our relationship, and decided that we needed to make changes before we could live happily as a family.

life takes a lot of twists and turns. you never know whats going to happen from one day to the next. But as long as you have love friends and a great family like mine you can over come anything life puts before you. It also opens it up to the unknown and the past as well some times. embrace what comes and there can only be brighter days ahead. Have a good day ! Luv yeah

So what went wrong in our DoozieLife? I think one only needs to look at the time-line of our relationship and see that the odds were stacked against us.  Sure, it’s not just about timing, or events… but it sure has a hell of an impact on your emotional status, energy available to put into yourself and your partner.  Damn it all, we just were screwed from the start, and our relationship isn’t ending…or suspending… due to lack of effort, but because we came to the conclusion we should part now, while we still cared enough to be friends, before endlessly butting our heads against the wall brought hatred to a relationship that has potential to evolve into something better in the future.

Ok, so back to that timeline…

• 11/2007 – My 15 year old is hit by a truck, spends 11 days and 3 surgeries in the hospital.   I stop dating current partner because I feel he can’t understand the needs of my kids… isn’t it ironic…  Youngest  son turns 5 day his brother comes home from  the hospital.
• 12/2007 – Start dating DoozieDad.  He is fun, charming, a gentleman.  It’s so nice to get away from the pressures of an angry, wheelchair bound kid and the physical therapy, the medical stuff and escape to a place where I could let go, be spoiled and not worry for a little bit.
• 1/2008 – It’s been a year since my 2 oldest children received child support, house is in final stages of foreclosure.
• 2/2008 – Find out DoozieDad has swimmers.  Freak out. Worry about how unfair it is to bring another drain on my time into my kids life.  My son is struggling with dealing with the accident, with dealing with life in general, missing school and stuck with home schooling.  My daughter’s ulcerative colitis is flaring.  Life is a jumble of doctor’s appointments, physical therapy, trying to squeeze in hours at work.  A baby?  I can’t do it, I asked the right questions, this wasn’t supposed to be able to happen.  My period’s were all screwed up with stress, I don’t even know when I got pregnant.  Abortion?  Can’t do it.  Get the call from the bank, we have to move.  Ugh…
• 3/2008 – Move 5 people into an 844 sq. ft house.  My 5 year old has to sleep in the laundry room, and my 15 yr old gets stuck in the detached garage.  Daughter is in and out of the hospital.  Son turns 16.
• 4/2008 – Son and daughter both have major surgery in San Francisco on the same day.  He has a knee reconstruction, she has her colon removed.  I am approx. 4 1/2 months pregnant.  My pregnancy is high risk, my boss hires someone to pick up the slack because between all the appointments, I just can’t be there much.
• 6/2008 – I can’t take it anymore.  Doctor puts me on on disability.
• 8/8/2008 – Troll Baby is born, and everyone falls in love.
• 12/2008 – Daughter is scheduled for ileostomy reversal.  Day of surgery, we get call that her thyroid levels are too high for anesthesia.  Major suckage.
• Rest of 2008, we push on… After disability is up, my boss’s business has slowed, she has laid off almost everyone, nothing for me to go back to.  Go on unemployment after disability and Paid Family Leave.
• 1/2009 – Oldest kids dad goes back to work, I file to reinstate child support, let the games battle begin.
• 7/2009 – We travel down south to see oldest kids grandma before she leaves on a 3 year missionary trip.  The kids attempt to be gracious, their dad hardly says 5 words to them.
• Sometime/2009 – Daughter has thyroid removed.  Brief scare when Endocrine thinks her ovaries are damaged due to immune system.  Bag causes her to become dehydrated easily, she has to often go into ER for IV re-hydration.  The guys just don’t get it.  they don’t get her disease at all.  I feel like I have to constantly defend her illness.  Hello, if you have your large intestine removed, it’s obvious your disease is serious.  Not to mention the liver stuff, the Sjögren’s syndrome, the Grave’s disease turned hypo-thyroid, the osteoporosis.  I can be sympathetic to your injured knees (son) and your fused back (partner), can’t you just shut the hell up about her?  Yes, this is a sore point.
• 7/2009 – DoozieDad’s mom is losing fight with chronic emphysema.  We visit, take the baby, try and spend last good moments that we can with her.
• 8/2009 – Oldest son’s best friend ends his life, he is only 15 years old, my son is devastated.  Night of his funeral, Troll babys Gramma passes, DoozieDad is there at the last.  He is so torn, he won’t let the coroner take his mom without his help.  How awful this must have been for him.  Troll baby turns 1, we do a TinkerBell theme, make the best of this time as it   Funeral is hard…
• Next few months, the tension is thick.  The weight of everyone’s issues, sadness, financial worries, grief, depression… I am walking on eggshell’s everyday… Can’t do conflict, trying to keep a happy face for the little kids.  I can’t be intimate, haven’t for ages.  It’s unfair, but I can’t be emotionally drained and find room in myself for that.
• Thanksgiving 2009 – Spent at DoozieDad’s sister Diane’s.  Great day, good food, good people and no one has a clue we are going crazy.  Daughter get’s food poisoning, after a few days of being sick, spends several days in the hospital.  Par for the course when you are immune suppressed.  Again, guys don’t get it.  Act like she is hypochondriac or something.  My oldest son has been having horrible nausea, diarrhea, heartburn, etc.  I am scared to death he has something like his sister.  Get referral to GI Specialist.
• 12/2009 – Reference previous post Emotional Foreplay.  DoozieDad and I talk, decide to get out while the gettin’s good, before the knives are pulled.  Daughter has a 2nd attempt at her ileostomy reversal scheduled for 12/23.  My older son got approved for counseling (Hurray!), his dad’s child support payment was $200 short, his dad did not accept his request for Facebook and he had to do every horrible GI related test under the sun.  This quarter at school fell apart for him.  Good news… My old boss called me.  My “replacement” is driving them nuts and they want to hire me back after the holidays, so when DoozieDad and I move apart March 1st, no one has to be homeless.

So come on 2010.  I don’t think the next decade can pull nearly the punches that this one has.  This year… Oldest son will start counseling, learn to harness his issues, help around the house, stop resenting his sister, finish school, get a job and go to college.  Daughter will recuperate from her (oh please, please, please) successful surgery and finally be able to move away like she wants. My son’s GI will say it’s stress and diet, and here is how you can fix it.  My youngest son’s dad will finally either get a job or join the military, before he can no longer help support his son.  Oldest son’s dad will not fall back into depression/alcohol dependency with his mom in Wales, and will continue to support his son, and maybe even friend him on Facebook.   My boss will be able to keep business going and afford me (or just let me take over the damn place).  DoozieDad and I will be friends, co-raise our daughter and build our relationship.

So basically, that’s it for 2009. Hopefully my son will learn to man up and help more around the house, and hate on his sister a little less, hopefully she will learn when not to say things that sting, and find happiness in the Emerald City.  May DoozieDad find peace and realize how much I cared, and hopefully put the past in the past and take life one day at a time.  I hope I learn how to help my son grow into a man, give him a clear picture of why I deserve his respect and he needs to step up and act the “man of the house.”