So today my son kindly asked that I stop writing about him. I decided that he’s right, I have enough crap of my own to write about that I will cut him a break for a while!  Besides, I always have K-Dog and Troll Baby to give me more material.  K has been pretty lucky so far, at seven he doesn’t provide much drama.  However, I think I will focus a little more on him, who he is as a person, and bring him to life in my writing.  Troll Baby = Spitfire = Anecdotes out the ass…

So, if the last decade life has focused on DoozieMom the mom, what does the next decade hold?  What makes my life interesting enough to write about if my older son will no longer let me exploit him at leisure?  Well, I get I will have to become more introspective.  I get to go into that big, scary world of single parenthood again.  As we all know, that always provides plenty of material.  I guess I am the only Single Mom in the Central Valley willing to put it all out there, so I will be chronicling my journey at Examiner.com as a local columnist.  I have to post a profile picture and everything, so I guess I will be heading over to Great Clips or SuperCuts and getting a new haircut that screams, “Hello, I am a successful single mom!”  I may even get my nails done and buy a new mascara.  Watch out!

So, the last decade carried enough stress that I am surprised they didn’t remove my colon when they took my daughter’s, and I could have almost thrown myself in front of a truck (instead, my son kinda wandered in front f one).  However, I survived, I am in one piece, and I live on to face another decade.  The decade of my forties… Yea kids, I know I already have a two year head start on that, but cut me a break.  My dear ex-husband sent the kids all the old pictures from when we were married, and damn, I looked hella old back then, in my late twenties.  I don’t know if it was the god-awful pink stirrup pants, the “I am dressing in my mother-in-law’s hand me downs look,” or just the transparency of a woman trapped in a body that wasn’t a true reflection of who she was.  I wasn’t that fat woman in the ugly glasses.  I was the girl with the long hair, contacts and cute jeans.. What the hell happened to me?

Well, starting in 2010, I am going to find out.  Yea, I am a mom.  A single mom.  For another 17 years I am raising children.  HOWEVER, I am more than that.  I am writing, I am Marilyn Manson and Green Day.  I am art galleries and Cosmopolitans.  I am a good micro-brew and a long novel.  I am Team Jacob (yea, I know Edward wins.. whatever).  I am a graphic artist, a wanna-be entrepreneur.  I am the Central Valley, I want to be the coast.  Bankruptcy looms in my future, and so does potty training.  This does not define me.  After I pick up the financial pieces, after I work my ass off to better life for me and for my kids, it’s time to reassess, to plan, and to build on vision.

Will I date again?  Maybe, someday (not something I can really even contemplate right now).  Right now I need to just get my life figured out, immerse myself in positive people, make friends again.  I need to get a routine, sleep, eat better.  I need to find those who share common interests to enjoy a social life with, get out of the house once in a while.  This may mean I have to shave my legs more often – This is a sacrifice I am willing to make.  I plan to walk my dog, it will be a benefit to us both to get out there, get some fresh air and socialize.  I may even drag K off the video games and get him out there too.  I told my boyfriend when we spoke of parting that I planned to become a recluse, but I guess that’s not really the case.  Yea, I do plan to curl up with some good books, maybe a glass of Petite Syrah and a bubble bath once in a while.  However, I think that recluse doesn’t really describe things, I think the next part of my life will be described as discovery.

Well, it’s time to out why I haven’t been able to blog.  It is hard as a “mommy-blogger.”  What makes you interesting, what draws people into your life, is not always funny, sarcastic, or entertaining.  Sometimes it is painful, makes you look like an ass or at the very least, a complete idiot.  Yet, despite the fact that I have decided to share my life openly on my blog, it’s hard to do when you know your family is part of this, your family and friends read what you write, and you are often judged by the context of the words on the page.  DoozieDad and I have decided to go our separate ways, at least until we get life figured out a little better.  I was originally going to title this “The Perfect Breakup” but there is no perfect breakup.  There are however, breakups that are less painful than they are hopeful, and that is what this is.

Here is a quote by Dooziedad, posted on his Facebook wall the day after we reached our conclusion about where we are emotionally and in our relationship, and decided that we needed to make changes before we could live happily as a family.

life takes a lot of twists and turns. you never know whats going to happen from one day to the next. But as long as you have love friends and a great family like mine you can over come anything life puts before you. It also opens it up to the unknown and the past as well some times. embrace what comes and there can only be brighter days ahead. Have a good day ! Luv yeah

So what went wrong in our DoozieLife? I think one only needs to look at the time-line of our relationship and see that the odds were stacked against us.  Sure, it’s not just about timing, or events… but it sure has a hell of an impact on your emotional status, energy available to put into yourself and your partner.  Damn it all, we just were screwed from the start, and our relationship isn’t ending…or suspending… due to lack of effort, but because we came to the conclusion we should part now, while we still cared enough to be friends, before endlessly butting our heads against the wall brought hatred to a relationship that has potential to evolve into something better in the future.

Ok, so back to that timeline…

• 11/2007 – My 15 year old is hit by a truck, spends 11 days and 3 surgeries in the hospital.   I stop dating current partner because I feel he can’t understand the needs of my kids… isn’t it ironic…  Youngest  son turns 5 day his brother comes home from  the hospital.
• 12/2007 – Start dating DoozieDad.  He is fun, charming, a gentleman.  It’s so nice to get away from the pressures of an angry, wheelchair bound kid and the physical therapy, the medical stuff and escape to a place where I could let go, be spoiled and not worry for a little bit.
• 1/2008 – It’s been a year since my 2 oldest children received child support, house is in final stages of foreclosure.
• 2/2008 – Find out DoozieDad has swimmers.  Freak out. Worry about how unfair it is to bring another drain on my time into my kids life.  My son is struggling with dealing with the accident, with dealing with life in general, missing school and stuck with home schooling.  My daughter’s ulcerative colitis is flaring.  Life is a jumble of doctor’s appointments, physical therapy, trying to squeeze in hours at work.  A baby?  I can’t do it, I asked the right questions, this wasn’t supposed to be able to happen.  My period’s were all screwed up with stress, I don’t even know when I got pregnant.  Abortion?  Can’t do it.  Get the call from the bank, we have to move.  Ugh…
• 3/2008 – Move 5 people into an 844 sq. ft house.  My 5 year old has to sleep in the laundry room, and my 15 yr old gets stuck in the detached garage.  Daughter is in and out of the hospital.  Son turns 16.
• 4/2008 – Son and daughter both have major surgery in San Francisco on the same day.  He has a knee reconstruction, she has her colon removed.  I am approx. 4 1/2 months pregnant.  My pregnancy is high risk, my boss hires someone to pick up the slack because between all the appointments, I just can’t be there much.
• 6/2008 – I can’t take it anymore.  Doctor puts me on on disability.
• 8/8/2008 – Troll Baby is born, and everyone falls in love.
• 12/2008 – Daughter is scheduled for ileostomy reversal.  Day of surgery, we get call that her thyroid levels are too high for anesthesia.  Major suckage.
• Rest of 2008, we push on… After disability is up, my boss’s business has slowed, she has laid off almost everyone, nothing for me to go back to.  Go on unemployment after disability and Paid Family Leave.
• 1/2009 – Oldest kids dad goes back to work, I file to reinstate child support, let the games battle begin.
• 7/2009 – We travel down south to see oldest kids grandma before she leaves on a 3 year missionary trip.  The kids attempt to be gracious, their dad hardly says 5 words to them.
• Sometime/2009 – Daughter has thyroid removed.  Brief scare when Endocrine thinks her ovaries are damaged due to immune system.  Bag causes her to become dehydrated easily, she has to often go into ER for IV re-hydration.  The guys just don’t get it.  they don’t get her disease at all.  I feel like I have to constantly defend her illness.  Hello, if you have your large intestine removed, it’s obvious your disease is serious.  Not to mention the liver stuff, the Sjögren’s syndrome, the Grave’s disease turned hypo-thyroid, the osteoporosis.  I can be sympathetic to your injured knees (son) and your fused back (partner), can’t you just shut the hell up about her?  Yes, this is a sore point.
• 7/2009 – DoozieDad’s mom is losing fight with chronic emphysema.  We visit, take the baby, try and spend last good moments that we can with her.
• 8/2009 – Oldest son’s best friend ends his life, he is only 15 years old, my son is devastated.  Night of his funeral, Troll babys Gramma passes, DoozieDad is there at the last.  He is so torn, he won’t let the coroner take his mom without his help.  How awful this must have been for him.  Troll baby turns 1, we do a TinkerBell theme, make the best of this time as it   Funeral is hard…
• Next few months, the tension is thick.  The weight of everyone’s issues, sadness, financial worries, grief, depression… I am walking on eggshell’s everyday… Can’t do conflict, trying to keep a happy face for the little kids.  I can’t be intimate, haven’t for ages.  It’s unfair, but I can’t be emotionally drained and find room in myself for that.
• Thanksgiving 2009 – Spent at DoozieDad’s sister Diane’s.  Great day, good food, good people and no one has a clue we are going crazy.  Daughter get’s food poisoning, after a few days of being sick, spends several days in the hospital.  Par for the course when you are immune suppressed.  Again, guys don’t get it.  Act like she is hypochondriac or something.  My oldest son has been having horrible nausea, diarrhea, heartburn, etc.  I am scared to death he has something like his sister.  Get referral to GI Specialist.
• 12/2009 – Reference previous post Emotional Foreplay.  DoozieDad and I talk, decide to get out while the gettin’s good, before the knives are pulled.  Daughter has a 2nd attempt at her ileostomy reversal scheduled for 12/23.  My older son got approved for counseling (Hurray!), his dad’s child support payment was $200 short, his dad did not accept his request for Facebook and he had to do every horrible GI related test under the sun.  This quarter at school fell apart for him.  Good news… My old boss called me.  My “replacement” is driving them nuts and they want to hire me back after the holidays, so when DoozieDad and I move apart March 1st, no one has to be homeless.

So come on 2010.  I don’t think the next decade can pull nearly the punches that this one has.  This year… Oldest son will start counseling, learn to harness his issues, help around the house, stop resenting his sister, finish school, get a job and go to college.  Daughter will recuperate from her (oh please, please, please) successful surgery and finally be able to move away like she wants. My son’s GI will say it’s stress and diet, and here is how you can fix it.  My youngest son’s dad will finally either get a job or join the military, before he can no longer help support his son.  Oldest son’s dad will not fall back into depression/alcohol dependency with his mom in Wales, and will continue to support his son, and maybe even friend him on Facebook.   My boss will be able to keep business going and afford me (or just let me take over the damn place).  DoozieDad and I will be friends, co-raise our daughter and build our relationship.

So basically, that’s it for 2009. Hopefully my son will learn to man up and help more around the house, and hate on his sister a little less, hopefully she will learn when not to say things that sting, and find happiness in the Emerald City.  May DoozieDad find peace and realize how much I cared, and hopefully put the past in the past and take life one day at a time.  I hope I learn how to help my son grow into a man, give him a clear picture of why I deserve his respect and he needs to step up and act the “man of the house.”

I could now title this… So… I was a terrible blogger…

Now, I think I have become a true mom-blogger.  Still filled with all that insight and wisdom, I have narrowed my focus so I have more time to devote to sharing this on my blog.  I also am learning to be a better writer, so hopefully when you leave my site you feel you are taking something with you that may make your day a little better.

Originally Posted 5/22/2009

I suck, it’s true, no getting around it.  However, I am filled with brilliant insight and unparalleled wisdom to share, and am now ready to resume the mantle of the responsible blogger.  OK then… enuf bs already.  The truth is, I have been spread way too thin lately.  It is pretty darn hard to try and get multiple businesses off the ground when you have kids.  Especially when one of the said kids seems to be attached to your boob every time you sit down to work.  If she is not attached to my boob, she is trying to type on my keyboard.  This is great fun when trying to edit a photo in Photoshop, or run a low level character through a dungeon in WOW…

Oh wait.. Work.. that is what I was talking about…  Work is important.  Starting a business is important and scary.  Having your nose in “The idiots guide to doing this thing you desperately need to do for your business” while dangling the baby on your lap is just pure insanity.  I do have a fix for the keyboard thing… We gave the baby her own keyboard… The only problem is, I tend to type on her (unconnected) keyboard, and then cannot figure out where the heck my letters are…

World of Warcraft (or margaritas, a good book, a hot bath, ice cream or chocolate) is important too.  These unwinding mechanisms are what make the insanity bearable, even laughable.  Of  course, we need to keep all things in moderation.  Last night, I failed to do so… I was on a mission… ***Nerd Alert! Nerd Alert!***  I am trying to get my Death Knight to Level 70 so I can get my flying mount… So I stayed up until 2am (with the baby sleeping in one arm) doing instances with my guild in order to get experience.  I did level to 67, and felt very accomplished.  However, when it came time to get the 1st grader up for school this morning, I suffered WOW regret.

Aside from my relaxing activities, I am busy with my Graphic Design business, my partners “Handyman” business, getting my son his CHSPE this summer (since school is not working for him), moving my daughter out into an apartment, and all other manner of life stuff.  I do however solemnly pledge to write something coherent on at least an every other day basis. Thank you for tuning in… DoozieMom

Help DoozieMom come up with a caption for the start of Troll Baby’s 1st Birthday!!  Contest ends September 15, 2009.  The winner will receive a Custom 18″ x 24″ Photo Collage to celebrate their babies first year (even if your baby is named Spot and poops on the lawn).  This collage will be printed on your choice of matte or semi-glossy photo paper, using fade resistant HP Vivera Ink.  Just send me your caption in a comment or an email, and make sure you leave me your contact information.

If you Squidoo, you can enter the contest directly thru my Squidoo caption voting!

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and it looks like those nights of only 4 or 5 hours of sleep are beginning to pay off.  I am using Squidoo to explore some of the major journies in my life.  Recently, I joined a group called Sharing Hearts, where members can share their life experiences (and boy do I have a lot of them). 

Anyways, these nice people have given me the Sharing Hearts Lens Inspirational Lens Award.

Sharing Hearts Award

 … and nominated me for their September Lens of the Month.  Check out my little blurb at http://smilingsquid.blogspot.com/ and I encourage you to sign up and become a “Lensmaster” today.

having labored all day to get the look of my new theme just right, I am crossing my fingers that I don’t get caught by murphy’s law…  Especially since my site has been down more than it has been up since my misguided attempt to do my own upgrade.

Today was on of frustration as I searched high and low to get just the right images that convey the look of my family.  It’s pretty close, although my “almost road-kill” teen can’t ride a skateboard anymore, and I can barely drag the 6-year old off the Game Cube long enough to go outside, let alone ride a bike…  I had to do some tweaking on everybody, and if Dad and I are a bit slimmer, and perhaps a bit less gray than real life… well, you gotta love Photoshop!

Well, to give you an idea… here is the text of my tech-support experience today…  which suggests that perhaps I should go by the handle “DitzieMom”

Perry Krik: How can I help you today?

DoozieMom: I tried to update WordPress yesterday following their upgrade instructions (before I saw the handy button in Install Central) and now I have totally taken my site offline.  Tried to uninstall and reinstall wordpress, no luck.

Perry Krik: Okay.

Perry Krik: Could you please provide me the exact URL you have been experiencing the issue?

DoozieMom: www.doozielife.com just comes up completely blank

Perry Krik: Okay.

Perry Krik: Can you please hold for 3-6 minutes, while I check this for you?

DoozieMom: sure

Perry Krik: Thank you for your patience, I am still testing the issue, I will be back with some more information in 5 more minutes.

DoozieMom: thanks.  I dont care if we have to remove everything and reinstall, I have a back-up

Perry Krik: Thank you for holding.

DoozieMom: sure

Perry Krik: I have discussed your issue with out engineers and noticed that there is PHP Parse error:  syntax error, unexpected T_AS in /hermes/bosweb/web064/b649/sl.decaldiv/public_html/wp-config.php on line 45 in your scripts. Hence, I suggest that you have to check the syntax error and correct the script of your end.

*think to myself… huh?*

DoozieMom: i have no idea what that means or how to fix it… cant we just erase everything and restart?

Perry Krik: You can view the error in your scripts in the Check error logs, please go to:

Perry Krik: http://members.startlogic.com/member/cgiManagement/cgiErrorLog.bml .

*stare at above link… feel a headache forming*

Perry Krik: I apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you. I suggest that you have to resolve your issue on your end.

DoozieMom: i will try… and if I can’t? can everything just be delated from my hosting account so I can reinstall?

Perry Krik: Sure.

Perry Krik: You can delete the WordPress files through FileManager.

DoozieMom: i did that… and it didnt work. how can I just erase everyting?

Perry Krik: I could still view the error on your scripts in your Check error logs.

DoozieMom: i see where it tells me there is an error. but I do not understand what I am supposed to do about it.. erase something, replace it with something else?

Perry Krik: I suggest that you can contact your Webmaster for further assistance.

DoozieMom: I am the Webmaster

Perry Krik: Okay.

DoozieMom: I am a graphic designer, I do not know PHP language

Perry Krik: Okay.

Perry Krik: You can contact your Web designer for further assistance.

DoozieMom: I am the web designer. I just want everything deleted from this account, sql databases, everything, so I can start all over.

DoozieMom: can the engineer just do that… delete for me

Perry Krik: I apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you. I suggest that you can uninstall the application and then clear the folder where you want to install application, then you can reinstall it.

DoozieMom: ok, do i just delete contents of the public_html folder?

Perry Krik: No DoozieMom, you can uninstall the application and then clear the folder where you want to install application, then you can reinstall it.

DoozieMom: ok, i will give it a shot

DoozieMom: Sure.

Perry Krik: Thank you!

Perry Krik: Is there anything else I can assist you with today?

DoozieMom: do you have anything for anxiety? i am sure to need it trying to figure this out

Perry Krik: Yes DoozieMom. Thank you for letting me assist you today. After our window closes, you will be offered an opportunity to take a survey to assess your customer service experience.

*I shake my head and grab some asprin from the bathroom*

and yes, I did figure out how to do this… but honestly…