Well, it’s time to out why I haven’t been able to blog.  It is hard as a “mommy-blogger.”  What makes you interesting, what draws people into your life, is not always funny, sarcastic, or entertaining.  Sometimes it is painful, makes you look like an ass or at the very least, a complete idiot.  Yet, despite the fact that I have decided to share my life openly on my blog, it’s hard to do when you know your family is part of this, your family and friends read what you write, and you are often judged by the context of the words on the page.  DoozieDad and I have decided to go our separate ways, at least until we get life figured out a little better.  I was originally going to title this “The Perfect Breakup” but there is no perfect breakup.  There are however, breakups that are less painful than they are hopeful, and that is what this is.

Here is a quote by Dooziedad, posted on his Facebook wall the day after we reached our conclusion about where we are emotionally and in our relationship, and decided that we needed to make changes before we could live happily as a family.

life takes a lot of twists and turns. you never know whats going to happen from one day to the next. But as long as you have love friends and a great family like mine you can over come anything life puts before you. It also opens it up to the unknown and the past as well some times. embrace what comes and there can only be brighter days ahead. Have a good day ! Luv yeah

So what went wrong in our DoozieLife? I think one only needs to look at the time-line of our relationship and see that the odds were stacked against us.  Sure, it’s not just about timing, or events… but it sure has a hell of an impact on your emotional status, energy available to put into yourself and your partner.  Damn it all, we just were screwed from the start, and our relationship isn’t ending…or suspending… due to lack of effort, but because we came to the conclusion we should part now, while we still cared enough to be friends, before endlessly butting our heads against the wall brought hatred to a relationship that has potential to evolve into something better in the future.

Ok, so back to that timeline…

• 11/2007 – My 15 year old is hit by a truck, spends 11 days and 3 surgeries in the hospital.   I stop dating current partner because I feel he can’t understand the needs of my kids… isn’t it ironic…  Youngest  son turns 5 day his brother comes home from  the hospital.
• 12/2007 – Start dating DoozieDad.  He is fun, charming, a gentleman.  It’s so nice to get away from the pressures of an angry, wheelchair bound kid and the physical therapy, the medical stuff and escape to a place where I could let go, be spoiled and not worry for a little bit.
• 1/2008 – It’s been a year since my 2 oldest children received child support, house is in final stages of foreclosure.
• 2/2008 – Find out DoozieDad has swimmers.  Freak out. Worry about how unfair it is to bring another drain on my time into my kids life.  My son is struggling with dealing with the accident, with dealing with life in general, missing school and stuck with home schooling.  My daughter’s ulcerative colitis is flaring.  Life is a jumble of doctor’s appointments, physical therapy, trying to squeeze in hours at work.  A baby?  I can’t do it, I asked the right questions, this wasn’t supposed to be able to happen.  My period’s were all screwed up with stress, I don’t even know when I got pregnant.  Abortion?  Can’t do it.  Get the call from the bank, we have to move.  Ugh…
• 3/2008 – Move 5 people into an 844 sq. ft house.  My 5 year old has to sleep in the laundry room, and my 15 yr old gets stuck in the detached garage.  Daughter is in and out of the hospital.  Son turns 16.
• 4/2008 – Son and daughter both have major surgery in San Francisco on the same day.  He has a knee reconstruction, she has her colon removed.  I am approx. 4 1/2 months pregnant.  My pregnancy is high risk, my boss hires someone to pick up the slack because between all the appointments, I just can’t be there much.
• 6/2008 – I can’t take it anymore.  Doctor puts me on on disability.
• 8/8/2008 – Troll Baby is born, and everyone falls in love.
• 12/2008 – Daughter is scheduled for ileostomy reversal.  Day of surgery, we get call that her thyroid levels are too high for anesthesia.  Major suckage.
• Rest of 2008, we push on… After disability is up, my boss’s business has slowed, she has laid off almost everyone, nothing for me to go back to.  Go on unemployment after disability and Paid Family Leave.
• 1/2009 – Oldest kids dad goes back to work, I file to reinstate child support, let the games battle begin.
• 7/2009 – We travel down south to see oldest kids grandma before she leaves on a 3 year missionary trip.  The kids attempt to be gracious, their dad hardly says 5 words to them.
• Sometime/2009 – Daughter has thyroid removed.  Brief scare when Endocrine thinks her ovaries are damaged due to immune system.  Bag causes her to become dehydrated easily, she has to often go into ER for IV re-hydration.  The guys just don’t get it.  they don’t get her disease at all.  I feel like I have to constantly defend her illness.  Hello, if you have your large intestine removed, it’s obvious your disease is serious.  Not to mention the liver stuff, the Sjögren’s syndrome, the Grave’s disease turned hypo-thyroid, the osteoporosis.  I can be sympathetic to your injured knees (son) and your fused back (partner), can’t you just shut the hell up about her?  Yes, this is a sore point.
• 7/2009 – DoozieDad’s mom is losing fight with chronic emphysema.  We visit, take the baby, try and spend last good moments that we can with her.
• 8/2009 – Oldest son’s best friend ends his life, he is only 15 years old, my son is devastated.  Night of his funeral, Troll babys Gramma passes, DoozieDad is there at the last.  He is so torn, he won’t let the coroner take his mom without his help.  How awful this must have been for him.  Troll baby turns 1, we do a TinkerBell theme, make the best of this time as it   Funeral is hard…
• Next few months, the tension is thick.  The weight of everyone’s issues, sadness, financial worries, grief, depression… I am walking on eggshell’s everyday… Can’t do conflict, trying to keep a happy face for the little kids.  I can’t be intimate, haven’t for ages.  It’s unfair, but I can’t be emotionally drained and find room in myself for that.
• Thanksgiving 2009 – Spent at DoozieDad’s sister Diane’s.  Great day, good food, good people and no one has a clue we are going crazy.  Daughter get’s food poisoning, after a few days of being sick, spends several days in the hospital.  Par for the course when you are immune suppressed.  Again, guys don’t get it.  Act like she is hypochondriac or something.  My oldest son has been having horrible nausea, diarrhea, heartburn, etc.  I am scared to death he has something like his sister.  Get referral to GI Specialist.
• 12/2009 – Reference previous post Emotional Foreplay.  DoozieDad and I talk, decide to get out while the gettin’s good, before the knives are pulled.  Daughter has a 2nd attempt at her ileostomy reversal scheduled for 12/23.  My older son got approved for counseling (Hurray!), his dad’s child support payment was $200 short, his dad did not accept his request for Facebook and he had to do every horrible GI related test under the sun.  This quarter at school fell apart for him.  Good news… My old boss called me.  My “replacement” is driving them nuts and they want to hire me back after the holidays, so when DoozieDad and I move apart March 1st, no one has to be homeless.

So come on 2010.  I don’t think the next decade can pull nearly the punches that this one has.  This year… Oldest son will start counseling, learn to harness his issues, help around the house, stop resenting his sister, finish school, get a job and go to college.  Daughter will recuperate from her (oh please, please, please) successful surgery and finally be able to move away like she wants. My son’s GI will say it’s stress and diet, and here is how you can fix it.  My youngest son’s dad will finally either get a job or join the military, before he can no longer help support his son.  Oldest son’s dad will not fall back into depression/alcohol dependency with his mom in Wales, and will continue to support his son, and maybe even friend him on Facebook.   My boss will be able to keep business going and afford me (or just let me take over the damn place).  DoozieDad and I will be friends, co-raise our daughter and build our relationship.

So basically, that’s it for 2009. Hopefully my son will learn to man up and help more around the house, and hate on his sister a little less, hopefully she will learn when not to say things that sting, and find happiness in the Emerald City.  May DoozieDad find peace and realize how much I cared, and hopefully put the past in the past and take life one day at a time.  I hope I learn how to help my son grow into a man, give him a clear picture of why I deserve his respect and he needs to step up and act the “man of the house.”

This is a Sponsored Post written by me on behalf of Sponsored Tweets. All opinions are 100% mine.

I love Twitter. It is my anonymous voice in the blogosphere, my alternate identity, saying the things I just can’t say out loud (or that my family just doesn’t “get.” Tweeting allows me to vent about the things that annoy the crap out of me, and share the little things that bring a smile to my face. I can find fellow tweeters who are in the same situation I am in, whether it is a parenting issue, relationship issue, a work dilemma, or just the need to get a second opinion on something I want to buy.

One day, I had a freelance client tell me about a program called Sponsored Tweets, a program that would actually pay you to post Tweets. All you have to do is fill out a profile that tells a little about what you tweet about (for me, it’s all about kids and being a WAHM), and Sponsored Tweets does the rest. They evaluate your Twitter account to see how many followers you have, how many you follow, how often you tweet and what you tweet about. This allows them to suggest how much you should charge to tweet, and lets potential advertisers see if you are a good fit for their campaign. You can write the tweets yourself, or have the advertiser write them, and you always get to approve the message before it is tweeted out. Potential bloggers run the gamut from MomBloggers like me, all the way up to celebrity Tweeters such as Kim Kardashian and Kendra Wilkinson. If you have at least 200 followers, you have nothing to lose, so I encourage you to sign up for sponsored tweets and let a little cash make your tweeting time guilt free.

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Call it fate, call it Murphy’s Law, call it plain old crappy timing… Just don’t call Sony for help…  My fiance’s birthday is inn 2 day’s… November 6th…  His PS3 just had a birthday too.  It turned 2, and celebrated by committing suicide.  Goodbye NHL Hockey ‘09, Hello Red Light of Death(also known as the Yellow Light of Death).  Now, I did a little research on the internet, thinking maybe this is an isolated incident, or perhaps we did something wrong.  Turns out, there are thousands of posts on forums and websites, mourning the premature death of their beloved PS3, victim of the blinking red light.  Theories vary… Is it the power supply, or an overheating issue?

So, what do you do?  Well, if this were your XBox 360, experiencing the “Ring of Death,”you would call Microsoft and find out that they had extended the warranty for this condition.   However, you own a Sony PS3, and despite thousands of complaints, they deny that there is an issue with hardware failure.  However, you do have some options…  You can return your PS3 that you paid $399 dollars for, and they will generously replace it with a refurbished model for only $149.95, with free shipping.  What a bargain!  And all the downloads you paid for?  Lost as well..  If you can’t afford 150 bucks for a used PS3 with a 90 day warranty, there is an extremely detailed tutorial on You Tube that will show you how to completely dismantle your console, get the motherboard all hot and bothered with a heat gun so the solder will reconnect the CPU with the motherboard .  Of course, the videos alone are 20 minutes long… and unfortunately that doesn’t show you how to put the thing back together after the “repairs.”  Also, the tutorial and most of the comments tell you that the console will fail again.  Finally, some enterprising soul has launched an e-book affiliate program thing that you can buy…  Maybe I should start selling that to raise money for a new system…

So what are we going to do?  Wait… Wait until I get some freelance pay in, and see how much we can get for the dead PS3.  Then we will trade it in (for a pittance I am sure) and upgrade to the 120 Gig model for $299, plus lord knows how much for an extended warranty.  Until then, sad dad and games gathering dust on the shelf.

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• The PS3’s “Yellow Light of Death” (games.slashdot.org)

As a parent, you buy a lot of toys.  You buy toys for your partner, you buy toys for your children.  Criminy, you even buy toys for the dogs and cats.  Now, I feel like it is time to start looking for a toy all my own.  Since I spend so much time on the internet, I have set a goal to acquire a Sony Bravia KDL-40W5500 40in LCD TV. This ultra-modern LCD TV will let me enjoy TV, movies and even World of Warcraft with its many advanced features. I can look forward to full HD resolution, 100Hz processing for sharp, fluid motion (great for gaming). It also has Sony’s impressive new Bravia Engine 3 video processing as well as a built-in Ethernet port that can be used to connect to a networked PC. You can read more about my dream toy and compare prices at kdl40w5500

This used to be true.  Once upon a time, California represented hope, a strong economy, a place where you could plan for the future.  As a California lifer, looking at our current state of affairs is heartbreaking.  How did it get this way?  Was it greed, stupidity, our generosity to all who came to paradise?  Probably all of the above, and yet, none of that matters now.  The past cannot be changed, the proposition that allows our budget to be held hostage each and every time it comes around is a fact of life.  The question is, where do we go from here?  What do the businesses who rely on contracts with the state do with the IOU’s that will come their way?  Can they stick it out… or will our ranks of unemployed swell even higher?

The services that the state supplies to those in need… Families like my own, who have wage earners, yet live from red notice to red notice.  Medicare and medi-cal recipients such as those members of my family who are disabled, who have received notice that vision and dental care will no longer be provided.  My SSI dependent step-mother recently had to pay $150 for a x-ray and cleaning.  That represents around 20% of her monthly benefit.  When it comes to choose between dental care and food, what will she choose?

Our cities are cutting services such as fire and police at a drastic rate.  As the homeless problem grows, and the number of people on the street who are unable to get the mental health care they need to be safe to themselves and others becomes more prevalent, we will lack the police resources necessary to deal with the fallout.  As I look out on my small town streets, read my small town paper, and see how the impact is already beginning to be felt, I can only imagine the reipple effect these decisions will have throughout the state, and the lives of all who live here.

California… Take it or leave it?  You tell me.

So, California’s State Controller (the guy who cuts the checks) has confirmed that if California cannot cover their looming deficit, things are about to get serious.  As usual, the people this will affect the most will be those who can least afford it.  How does this affect my life?  My 19 year old daughter suffers from auto immune disorders (a lot of them).  She is currently in the middle of a series of surgeries that started last year and will continue throughout the next year.  These illnesses, complications and all the surgeries mean that she cannot perform work that will allow her to support herself.  Therefore, she receives SSI (Social Security Income).  Already, this amount is insufficient to cover her rent, utilities and food, so I help her out a little each month.  Part of this SSI payment comes from the federal program, and roughly $200 comes from the state of California to account for the cost of living in our state.  If the State of California issues IOU’s, then she will lose $200 a month (depending on whether her bank will honor the IOU).  In order to keep this medically fragile person from starving to death, I will have to make up the deficit, above and beyond what I already do.

My step-mother is also disabled.  A life-long diabetic who has had a kidney transplant and a leg amputation, who is legally blind, she also will have a reduction in services.  She already skimps on her groceries, and has to pay $13 round trip for Dial-A-Ride in order to go to church, the doctor, buy groceries or pick up her prescriptions.  The less money she has, the less likely it is she will be able to take care of her health, leading to more hospitalizations and costs for the State.  This happened once before, when her financial situation became so strained that she stopped buying meat.  The resulting lack of protein nearly caused her to lose her donated kidney.  My fiances mother lives in an assisted living facility.  These cuts will also have a direct impact on her life at a time when she needs help the most.  It is truly a shame that those with the least amount of monetary fat are amongst those getting the biggest trim.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090626/ap_on_re_us/us_california_budget

My ex-husband and I separated 10 years ago.  The guilt over my decision to leave, and my inability to afford to take my children into a good home, was enough to allow me to bow before my ex-husbands every whim.   I allowed him to dictate what belonging of the children’s I could take, I paid him child support even though he made 6 times as much as I, and I could only afford to sleep on a friend’s couch.  I did not take him to court, because he threatened to drag me though the dirt, to make the court process drag out as long as possible, to try and cast me as an unfit mother.  Was I unfit?  If ten years of making children’s costumes for Halloween, providing their health insurance, volunteering at their schools, arranging their play dates and caring for them when they were ill qualifies a mother for that label… Well, in that case I was unfit as they come.

Basically, I was a doormat throughout my marriage.  A history of childhood abuse had given me case of very low self-esteem, and a dominating husband only lent weight to that.  It was only years later, after I had gone thru the military, gotten a backbone and rescued my children from a father who had become an alcoholic, that I discovered my backbone.  I am not blameless.  I did leave for a time, escaped to the Army.  Guilt plagues me even now.  During the time I was gone, their dad managed to become an alcoholic, become emotionally and verbally abusive to them, and turn my son into a mini-me of his dad.  After my return, I resumed my role of before and after school providor, sick day caregiver, their house cleaner.  My daughter was very ill, so I spent days on end in the hospital.  I tried to work with their dad, make things easier for him, as the kids gradually made up their mind that he wasn’t being a good dad anymore, and moved in with me full time.  During this time, I still received no financial support from him.  If the kids needed clothes, he would refuse to give me the money to shop for them.  Instead, he would force them to go shopping with him.  I asked for money for groceries; he told me to write out my menu and he would shop for me.  Despite his $60,000 a year job, he let the home that was still in both our names slide (7 times) into foreclosure.  Finally, in order to try and save the equity, I refinanced the house into my name.  He refused to sign it over unless I gave him a total of $50,000 from the refinance proceeds.   I finally went to court, got full custody, and filed for child support.  Their father chose not to attend any of these hearings, so I left it to the court to hear my side of the story and decide what was best for the children.  They assigned child support according to our income, and I got to pick up the pieces of two emotionally scarred kids.  After the hearing, he refused to make any support payments until I did a wage assignment.  At that point, he managed 10 payments until he decided to walk out on his job and become a stay at home drunk.

I was unable to refinance the house after the housing slump, and hence “owed” him $25,000.  He kept threatening to take me to court, calling us at all hours with his drunken accusations.  Since he wasn’t working, and I wasn’t able to receive any financial help from him, we wrote off 2 years of child support to equal out my “debt.”  When the two years of his free ride were up, I went back to court and reinstated the order.  Immediately he called them to dispute the case.  I told him he could file a modification if he couldn’t afford it, but according to CSS, that was the only way to change the court order.  Well, he hasn’t taken the time to file.  And this is where I become the bad guy… You can plainly see from the email I received from his mom (who gave him her entire retirement to bail out the house 2 of the 7 times he got in foreclosure) that I am a bad guy for making him take care of his children.  Not only am I hurting him, but her as well.

Here is where I lost my “sit back and feel sorry for her” stance…

Subject: Help!
To: xxxxxxxxxxx@sbcglobal.net
Date: Friday, June 19, 2009, 12:28 PM

Hi there…

I have a very big favor to ask of you!  Apparently the court is taking over $900/month from xxxxxxx’’s income at work. He is only making 1/3 of what he was in Modesto and within 2 months, he will be on the street and not able to make any support payments.  My income ($1400/month) is no where near able to support us both.  Would you please consider calling who ever and telling them that you “forgive all arears” in child support?  He will be able to continue the current requirement ($400+/-), but the supposed “past due” amount should be covered by now, yet they continue taking over $900/month from him..  I will appreciate any help you can give because we are slowly sinking.

Thanks much for hearing my heart.  G’ma

My reply:

I have been taking care of the kids with no financial support since February of  2007.  Prior to reinstating this child support, he only made 10 child support payments.  Some weren’t even full payments, because he missed too much work for them to take the full amount.  Prior to receiving that child support, I went for two years taking care of the kids with no help.  Even when I was missing weeks of work at a time because of hospitalizations.

The ball is in his court.  They are charging an arrears because he delayed having the wages attached.  He should have started paying the beginning of the year, but because he delayed everything, they are going back til then. What he needs to do is request a modification of the court order based on his current income.  I have already told him that.  He has to fill out an income and expense, and send it in with copies of his paystubs.  Because child support is court ordered, not privately ordered, they cannot change what is being withheld without a court modification.  But no, he cannot be accountable to taking action himself.  He couldn’t even bother to show up for mediation or the custody hearing.  Why should you expect him to step up now and take care of this?

I am sorry that this is happening to him.  I am sorry that for two years, while we lost our home, went without new clothes, while I ate A..’s leftovers when she stayed in the hospital in order to save money, he chose not to work.  There were days we drove to San Francisco and came home the last 20 miles with the gas light on.

Darren made his choices.  He chose to take advantage of me with the house, and I was stupid enough to think saving the house was worth it, rather than have him just let it go to the bank.  Well, the joke is on me.  I lost the house anyway because he decided to give up.  He negotiated away two years of child support so that he could stay home, wallow in self-pity, drink and play video games all day.

He never took a moment to make life easier for me.  He left that house falling apart.  The back patio?  fallen down against the side of the house.. The roof?  Neglected, dry-rotted and full of holes.  The master bath he tore out years before?  Left unfixed, a gaping hole inthe floor where the shower and toilet used to be.  I had to pay to get that fixed.  The broken down furniture he didn’t want to take care of.. left behind.. the rotted food in fridge.. left for the kids and I to clean.

He has no one but himself to blame.  You and he are not slowly sinking.  He is pulling you under.  He is using you, just like he did over and over again with the house.  Even when he was making $60000 a year, and I had the kids, he still drained you of all you had.  Stop enabling him.  He can rent a room, lots of single guys so.  He only has 9 months to “suffer”  because even though he agreed to pay until Ian turns 19, the court order runs out when Ian turns 18.  I am sure pigs would fly before he would honor our “contract” without a wage assignment.

I.. plans to live with me for at least a couple years after that, so he can afford school.  Who is going to help with that?  Bill turns over every cent he makes to me.  We are doing everything we can to stay afloat.  My car payment was 3 months behind.  I didn’t have registration or insurance, neither did Bill.  We only now are getting close to getting that caught up.  Because of how SSI works, A..’s disability payments do not increase for 3 months after her cost of living increases.  So, for May, June and July, we are helping her with food and utilities.  He has only made 2 1/2 months payments.  The arrears were 4 months, 1900 dollars.  His monthly payment, as he agreed to, is half of the original support order.  That is $590.  So each month  $300 is going to past due.  If that is too much, let him file for a modification.

I love you, but sorry.  Let your son take care of his own life for awhile.  All it takes is a little effort on his part.