DoozieLife

This week, Troll Baby’s dad Bill, moved out. It was the end of a tumultuous couple of weeks. Ending relationships is always much harder than starting them, if this week was anything to go by. Especially because both of us still seem to care about one another, but right now that’s not enough. The week was filled with yelling, tears, accusations, hugging, talking, cooperating and planning.

This week someone I underestimated tried to take advantage of the situation, and got an ass whoopin’. I don’t condone violence, but I know Bill needed to defend my honor, and stop a pattern of sleaziness in this particular individual. Necessary, but I hated seeing Bill be hurt emotionally having to do it. I saw my own naivety. Through it all, my son stood up for me, toe to toe defending his mom. When he saw I was ok, he left to stay elsewhere until everything was done. (Update… this person is about to get another ass whoopin’, from the person he has been taking advantage of for years… because I just told her how the man she lives with, who she supports, who calls her and tells her he loves her, tried to slither his way into my life when he saw my relationship falling apart). I hope she kicks his ass and throws him out on the street, but I am afraid she doesn’t have the confidence to do it.

This week was ironic. We lived together for two years, and never managed to get Bill’s divorce papers filed. All of a sudden it was a huge rush, and I filled out all the paperwork. I did it to save him money, to protect his financial interests from an unstable ex-wife, and because he is my friend. Yet, so ironic, it burned me, it hurt to do these papers, knowing that it frees him not to marry me, which was supposed to happen, but probably someone else will reap the rewards of my labor. Yea, I’m pessimistic. So sue me, I am still in the poor me state of mind.

This week, I realized just how much I still care, I let myself open up and be vulnerable. Stupid me for waiting ’til it is probably too late to matter. He is gone, he has hurts and anger from a lifetime of emotional crap that he needs to deal with. He has someone new to turn to, that makes him feel special. I want to turn it into a fight, I want to hang on to him with everything I have. I want to throttle her, but I want her to make him happy. It’s not right, I can’t take back what I said… when I basically gave up and told him to not pass up the opportunity to be happy, since I couldn’t be what he needed. I want to be what he needs, I should have been what he needed a long time ago. I promise, I am not bi-polar… just emotional.

So, where does that leave us? I don’t know. I know that I have to give him space, let him heal himself, address his personal demons, get right spiritually, all the things not relating to us that he needs to fix. I have to figure out how to show him how much he means to me, without acting inappropriately towards someone who is in a relationship. I guess that means I need to play it cool, be self-assured, supportive and try and distance myself from my feelings. I don’t see how that makes sense, but it does. In order to be fair, I have to learn to co-parent objectively. I need to appreciate what a great dad he is to Rach. I need to accept him as my friend, and respect his feelings.

I have my own demons to slay, a childhood of abuse that has played a big part in the failure of this relationship. I need to address this, learn how to be open about it, how it affects me even today, if I ever hope to have a truly emotional and physical relationship. I have done therapy before, I don’t feel as if I can do it now. So, I will create a blog. It will become a book in the end. Yea, there is that much crap in my childhood to write about.