DoozieLife

I started this post on the tenth of January.  I have struggled with whether I should write about this path my life is taking.  I don’t want to hurt anyone in my family, I don’t want to hurt the father of my child.  However, to quote someone near and still dear to me, “It is what it is.”

I started off 2010 newly single.  It’s not a good thing, it’s not a bad thing.  It is what it is.  Being a writer, my blog is my voice, my go-to for venting.  I try not to talk about it too much in a really personal way, because I am still figuring it all out, analyzing, projecting, planning and regretting, all at once.  I write because other families, other moms and dads, they are going through, or have gone though, the same pain being experienced by my family.  Maybe what I write, besides being some sort of self-therapy, will help other people experiencing the same type of challenges we are facing.

February 13, 2008 I found out I was pregnant with Troll Baby.  That news kinda killed Valentine’s Day that year, her father and I being in a state of shock.  She wasn’t supposed to be possible, and at first I think we were both in a state of denial.  However, we did our best to build a family over the next couple of years.  In the end though, all the love in the world for Troll Baby wasn’t enough to make us a family.  This Valentine’s, I will again be saying, “WTF… What do I do now?”

We already are asking those questions, all that fun stuff like visitation and money.  I hate it.  There are some things I won’t compromise on, that people don’t understand.  I won’t force my baby to wean herself before she is ready.  To be fair, I am encouraging her, trying to get her to take her cup more, trying to get her used to the alternative.  That being said, I will not force her to give up the comfort of nursing, especially with all the disruption coming her way at such a tender age.

March 1st I will be living alone, once again just my children and myself.  I feel like we are losing so much, there was potential that I just let slip away.  Hopefully I have learned something, hopefully I will be good at the single mommy thing.  I am lucky, Troll Baby’s dad loves her so much, he is trying to do the right thing to make sure she is taken care of.  I may be losing a man, but I gained a beautiful daughter, I met a couple of wonderful women who I consider sisters and my daughter has a wonderful extended family.  Her dad is not the bad guy, and I am trying hard to stay busy, stay positive, but as he moves on I am finding it more difficult to be happy for him.

The day he leaves will be both painful and a relief.  Painful because I failed my daughter, I failed to provide her father with the love he was looking for.  It will be painful to finally have that reality of loss slap me in the face; some days I go about my day, shopping and cooking and almost ignoring the fact that I am not in a relationship anymore.  Then the weekend comes, and I am alone, and I remember.  March 1st will be like the beginning of a never ending weekend.  When he leaves, there will be some sense of relief.  It will be easier to be happy without the constant reminder of loss and failure.  It will be easier to be sad, I can let down the walls and cry whenever I want.

So, as I enter this new again journey of single parenthood, I hope the people I love forgive me for writing. If you can’t, I understand.  I hope if it hurts to much, you choose not to read rather than let my writing come between us.