We all know and love classic blog memes such as “Not Me Monday” and “Wordless Wednesday.”  These awesome memes belong to some of the most talented mom bloggers I read and have taken on a life of their own.  I was driving home from the Children’s Hospital in San Francisco Tuesday night, about 11:45, and I decided I needed to clear my mind of all the crap that was going through my mind, and all the mistakes I had made that week.  So this is why I am taking Tuesday’s to say goodbye to all the residue of the week before.  I think we all have negativity that we need to air, I know for sure I am not perfect and I make mistakes, but I do not want them to cloud the rest of my week, I want to move forward and think positively, with a head and heart free of clutter.

As I drove home Tuesday, I had a good two hours to hash out my week.  I had a lot of guilt.  Guilt because I feel like I have hurt Troll Baby’s dad deeply, and I never wanted to.  Guilt because I wouldn’t let my daughter come watch the Super Bowl because we were keeping the house low key.  Guilt because I hadn’t had my seven year old home in a week, because with all the conflict and tension, he was better off not staying in his own home.  Guilt about the frustration I felt the day my son called for a ride home from school because his knees were hurting, and he needed to stretch them out and ice them.  Of course, the big picture is, my son chose to stop smoking medical marijuana for his pain, and we don’t have a pain management plan in place, so he is hurting.  Wednesday morning, I look at his progress report and he is doing awesome.  I am so proud of him, it’s the big picture that counts.  There was a lot of guilt this week for opening my mouth without thinking first.  I had guilt about making my daughter cry when she called me saying UCSF wanted her to go to the hospital that night.  I wasn’t frustrated with her, it was overwhelming exhaustion after a long emotional conversation with Troll Baby’s dad mixed with concern about her,  and should she take my car, or should I drive her topped with “What am I supposed to do with the baby?” until I was able to take a deep breath and call her back, having worked out the logistics.

Besides guilt this week, I had a lot of anger.  I spent probably the first half of the drive planning retribution against our local hospital, for just ignoring her condition and letting it get to the point where I was driving 4 hours round trip in the middle of the night.  Anger at the ER doctor who sent her home the Friday of a 3 day weekend, with a distended gallbladder, high white blood cell count and a diagnosed UTI.  A doctor who did not take the time to read the ultrasound report, who chose not to administer antibiotics while she was in the ER, and sent her home without a prescription.  Anger when she has to return to the ER the following week because she still is symptomatic with abdominal pain and nausea, and the ER doc says they have no GI docs on call, and that she should just call San Francisco because there wasn’t a GI doctor in town that would touch her.  I also had a lot of anger about how events are tearing my family apart, and I just didn’t have anywhere to channel that anger, so I just had to bottle it up.

Last week, I had a lot of poor parenting days.  In addition to abandoning my son to his dads for the week, I was frazzled and couldn’t seem to accomplish anything.  Troll Baby ran out of pajamas, and instead of doing laundry I put her to bed in tights and a t-shirt for 3 nights.  Its not that what she wore to bed was dirty or didn’t work, because she was warm and comfy and it really did look cute.  It was that there was no reason my child should not have her pajamas washed for bed.  I also just now realized that since my little guy was gone all week, no one bought him valentine’s to pass out at the party.  He is sitting here assuring me that it didn’t matter, that everyone got plenty of valentine’s, and he has a special girl he asked to be his valentine.  I guess that the big picture is, his valentine party at school was still pretty good.  It just sucks that I missed out on helping make it more special.

So this is my new meme, Goodbye Doozie Tuesday.  All this is behind me, the slate is washed clean, I accept that I am allowed to be imperfect, and tomorrow is a new day.

FYI – I am bleepin tired, so my Mr. Linky will have to be set up next week , in case anyone else wants to clear their slate.

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I started this post on the tenth of January.  I have struggled with whether I should write about this path my life is taking.  I don’t want to hurt anyone in my family, I don’t want to hurt the father of my child.  However, to quote someone near and still dear to me, “It is what it is.”

I started off 2010 newly single.  It’s not a good thing, it’s not a bad thing.  It is what it is.  Being a writer, my blog is my voice, my go-to for venting.  I try not to talk about it too much in a really personal way, because I am still figuring it all out, analyzing, projecting, planning and regretting, all at once.  I write because other families, other moms and dads, they are going through, or have gone though, the same pain being experienced by my family.  Maybe what I write, besides being some sort of self-therapy, will help other people experiencing the same type of challenges we are facing.

February 13, 2008 I found out I was pregnant with Troll Baby.  That news kinda killed Valentine’s Day that year, her father and I being in a state of shock.  She wasn’t supposed to be possible, and at first I think we were both in a state of denial.  However, we did our best to build a family over the next couple of years.  In the end though, all the love in the world for Troll Baby wasn’t enough to make us a family.  This Valentine’s, I will again be saying, “WTF… What do I do now?”

We already are asking those questions, all that fun stuff like visitation and money.  I hate it.  There are some things I won’t compromise on, that people don’t understand.  I won’t force my baby to wean herself before she is ready.  To be fair, I am encouraging her, trying to get her to take her cup more, trying to get her used to the alternative.  That being said, I will not force her to give up the comfort of nursing, especially with all the disruption coming her way at such a tender age.

March 1st I will be living alone, once again just my children and myself.  I feel like we are losing so much, there was potential that I just let slip away.  Hopefully I have learned something, hopefully I will be good at the single mommy thing.  I am lucky, Troll Baby’s dad loves her so much, he is trying to do the right thing to make sure she is taken care of.  I may be losing a man, but I gained a beautiful daughter, I met a couple of wonderful women who I consider sisters and my daughter has a wonderful extended family.  Her dad is not the bad guy, and I am trying hard to stay busy, stay positive, but as he moves on I am finding it more difficult to be happy for him.

The day he leaves will be both painful and a relief.  Painful because I failed my daughter, I failed to provide her father with the love he was looking for.  It will be painful to finally have that reality of loss slap me in the face; some days I go about my day, shopping and cooking and almost ignoring the fact that I am not in a relationship anymore.  Then the weekend comes, and I am alone, and I remember.  March 1st will be like the beginning of a never ending weekend.  When he leaves, there will be some sense of relief.  It will be easier to be happy without the constant reminder of loss and failure.  It will be easier to be sad, I can let down the walls and cry whenever I want.

So, as I enter this new again journey of single parenthood, I hope the people I love forgive me for writing. If you can’t, I understand.  I hope if it hurts to much, you choose not to read rather than let my writing come between us.